I am now very poor and work my butt off to just pay rent on a small apartment. God sees our pain, our tears. Dont allow bitterness to rule I know it isnt easy, but we have no choice but to accept what has happened & deal with it. The more time that passes, the more reminders and suggestions you will need to deal with the aftermath of . While I respect and have empathy for the commentors (and wriiter) who have found another partner and know that this does not eradicate their pain I cannot help but wonder why not me? My marriage lasted 21 years, I was with her for 23 years. I have been doing a lot of soul searching trying to figure out the consistent sadness I feel after 7 years. He and the new wife (yes I still call her that) have been married the same amount of time we were. Deeply sad, and still in pain. The grief of your family broken or split is for sure the hardest thing to get over I know that I am getting better, I dont think about him near as much but then one thing can make me spiral right back to years before and the process starts again. Divorce was 5 years ago. My heart remains unresolved. But love, sadly, is not always enough when it comes to marriage, and we deal with it in the best way possible. I find it hard to understand and accept that a loving man (believe me he loved all women) could sever his life so fully, walk away and turn into a man I never knew. I can go for weeks being fine, but then something will trigger all the pain, the guilt and the bewilderment. Marriages are meant to be enjoyed, not endured. It makes me hide a little bit of my truth (the sadness) from people. I think, for me, I will never fully recover from the betrayal of the life my ex and I had created over 25 years. How shes by herself, struggling financially and emotionally . { And I have learned to respect the individual better and how to love not control, I have learned all that but one thing that I have learned looking back I can see how I got like that its tough being a man in this world women want both sides of it they wanna man that is strong and can take care of them but at theyre same time they want the freedom to be able to do whatever they want at any time and if you question it youre controlling I took it as that did not understand that I was being so controlling I believe I was I think although in my heart and mind I thought I was doing the right thing for my children and my wife the things that I tried to get us to do Or the way I had As us live Truly in my heart I thought it was the best for us not just for myself but I can see now that I did not respect her individual feelings I shouldve let her have her space and Ive learned what it would take to be a good man so the what I hold onto is hopefully shell know and understand that I have learned all this and many other things and can love me again and come back. but it still remained as vague and dusky as the smoke from my cigarettes. Allow Yourself to Be Jealous. Remember that you can make it on your own, have a positive mindset and accept to move on. I gave someone my entire heart, promises, vows, ups, downs, physical intimate moments, and emotional intimate moments I never thought I could give and share with someone. I still am working on my self and hope and pray she sees something in me again. I don't know exactly how I feel about that. The worst part came a couple years later as I was sorting through papers to be destroyed. We seek out love relationships so that we can feel love. And I still ache at having trusted myself to the institution of marriage, to the man with whom I stood at an altar and exchanged vows, and to the family court and judicial systems that broke my beliefs in fairness. Sam, have you considered going to therapy to work through your pain? Copy and paste it, adding a note of your own, into your blog, a Web page, forums, a blog comment, That can mean journaling, taking warm baths, breathing fresh air, eating good food,. Then the shoe dropped. During the first six months of separation, women are more prone to symptoms of depression, poor health, loneliness, work inefficiency, insomnia, memory difficulties, and increased substance abuse. I cannot seem to get a hold of myself. As such, it is essential to take up to 4 years to allow complete healing before you start dating. At these events, we were supposed to be celebrating together as a couple, as a family, as one. I send you a virtual warm and embracing hug. What makes a luxury lake home design special, Learn About the Very Wild and Interesting Psychedelic Era. Friends and families will help you overcome the pain of divorce 10 years later. Intense anger may be the main reason most former spouses have no interest in. Couple years later, I still float back into hope and denial stages. Meaning, if I could find someone to date, I would be all for it, but since I can'twell then, I say I just don't want to date. 22. Now I do not trust myself for having been so wrong. There remains a post-divorce financial cloud from which I may never recover, and lost opportunities as a result. New hopes, dreams, and opportunities arent going to come to you if you arent emotionally free and receptive. It truly has broken my heart. Because she is grieving a death A death she may have chosen A death he may have chosen But it is a death, nonetheless. Does it mock me? Thank you for this - sadly after 20 years and 2 young kids we split 3.5 years ago. I wasnt perfect, but many people still scratch head wondering why all of this. My experience is the same as a husband. When you hear the word "divorce," there are a handful of images that probably come to mindtwo adults arguing, a sad child stuck in the middle, and maybe even a contentious courtroom battle.But when a marriage ends, it's far more complex than that.For one, you may never even be in a courtroom with your ex, and secondly, there are some truly positive effects of a divorce that you may not have . I lost a 4 generations family farm, but more than that, I lost an entire life of working toward a financially secure retirement, raising 2 children together, and being so close to her family. You need to get out of your head and into your life. Peace to you all. Kay I join you in getting a F grade in moving on. Some responsibilities need both parental support, and if you have kids, then this is a reason to stop the hurts, take up the responsibilities and support your kids as much as possible to avoid them to hurt from your struggles. By this time you will have known the extent that you contributed towards ending your previous marriage and see the solution to avoid any more hurts in a second marriage. Anyway, I saved the article to read and reread, and I hope I will get to the point where I do not miss the man any longer. Thank you for this article. The pain visits quite infrequently now (thank god) but once in a while it still hits me, hard. Its not easy to find realistic articles on the very-long-term type of pain resulting from a divorce, so this one was a breath of fresh air. I have truly tried to find out who I am. Ive got friends I hardly hear from anymore. Coparenting is difficult. My ex moved on, remarried a month after the divorce. I would have been able to still respect him. However, it may not take quite long if you wanted the divorce, were unhappy with your marriage, or the divorce decision was mutual. I have stayed very close to his family (I only have my mother as immediate family) and so now and again I have to have contact with him. Don't give up on yourself or your life for a mistake you think you made 10 years ago. Once you find that life without her can be as fulfilling and joyful as life with her, youll get unstuck and be able to let her go. Its been a struggle and I have a lot of guilt/remorse/regret Im the one who initiated the divorce. What are Dirty Thunderstorms and When Do They Appear? My son sees a sadness every so often in me. It helped me process all my pent up sorrow since theres no one in my group of friends or family I would like to share this with. Once in a while I cannot help but look back, even though I think Ive worked through it all. If you happen to go beyond such, then it will be presumed as the marriage was still in existence, and whatever abuse was there will always remain, and the pain of divorce at this point will never go away. With both of us attending 2 of our childrens graduations, the sadness creeped up on me and has been lingering. Hang in there, perhaps get a pet.mine have given me pleasure & a reason to keep going. In addition, research suggests people who experience a significant life event such as divorce are 2.5 to 9.4 times more likely to develop depression. I still love the woman I thought I married and I am angry at the emotional manipulation and pain she metered out to me which ended with the beginning of her second marriage. It makes me feel less alone, and it lets me know that its OK, Im not going crazy, haha! house, kids, American Dream. Most Famous Female Pop Artists of the 70s, The History of the Basketball The Actual Ball, Guide to the Absolutely Strangest Things on Earth, Strange and Unusual Ceremonies and Traditions Around the World. You may continue hurting 10 years later because of being fed with negative information of your ex-wife thereby holding you from getting over your past hurts. No anger but deep deep hurt. No doubt my personal history comes into play as well; I was single into my 30s having declined a few proposals, deferring marriage until I was ready, convinced I had made an excellent choice. This goes hand-in-hand with feeling your emotions. A fractured. He was a longtime alcoholic, but quit (cold turkey) four or five years before he left. Obviously the grass is greener wasnt that green. But, I was wrong. My pain stems from a few things, pain left over from childhood (which I believe we all have to some degree) and pain from him leaving me without any real (as I saw it) truth for me to keep. Emotional Symptoms of Divorce. That includes old school values like honoring commitments, following through on responsibilities, working through issues rather than walking away. But that is life I am told and at 49 years old, starting over dirt poor and broken is not ideal. Thank you again for sharing your stories. He sat in our porch the week before he left, sobbing. Help Is Here. No tool and not even with time repairs. My heart is breaking. The accusations are almost laughable. The days I dont see my son are brutally hard. I am divorced now 6 years but find every day a struggle. And regardless of its source, shouldnt we be allowed to acknowledge it when it returns, free to express our feelings openly? It echos my experience so far. I am not happy but it still gives me joy to see my kids and grandkids and makes me smile. Online community for divorced moms and single mothers, advice on Relationships, Health, Beauty, Sex, Parenting, Finances, Divorce Blogs, Resource Articles and more. He is now married to the woman he left me for, after 30 years together. Its like I never existed, shared so many things together. We grew up together, worked in various cities, had good friends, loved each other's familys and then I just left him. Your piece really spoke to me. Children from divorced families may experience more externalizing problems, such as conduct disorders, delinquency, and impulsive behavior than kids from two-parent families. I come back to these comments, to give me comfort in knowing that others still mourn the loss of what was and what could have been. I had an amicable split, ex was unhappy & I miss him & the good times and I Harbor so much guilt for not being the wife I should've been. The divorce was my idea. Ive been to so many different therapist I cant count on two hands The first one was a marriage counselor since then its been all different kinds psychiatrist psychologist its just comes down that I love her and I want to wait on her but the pain going through this is almost unbearable I dont trust any other woman ever again but its extremely lonely I dont get to see my kids very much at all I have grandchildren I dont see them a lot some, Part of the reason is my children are grown so I understand that theyre trying to take care of their own family two of them are married the other one is a teenager but every time I see them I just want my family back to normal I just dont wanna live like this much pain the rest of my life I feel like Im a man without a country.